First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
