Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
