Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
