Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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