you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
