you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
