I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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