my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
