just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
