you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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