My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
