Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
