I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
