I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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