I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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