Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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