yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
