I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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