I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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