The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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