my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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