she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
