oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
