Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I woke up under a house in Key West
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