Where is the hickey?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
