I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
