well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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