just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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