Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
