Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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