Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
