hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
