he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
