My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
