He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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