Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
