could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
