just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
