Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
