Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
