Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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