sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
