So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
