Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
