I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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