Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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