Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
