can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
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