1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
