ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
His nipple licking is glorious
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