there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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