I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My pussy is not your playground.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
