I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
